"I have been surviving the last 48 hours on rabbit pâté and black spiced rum."
“As always, I am pulled aside to have my bags more thoroughly searched. My audio recorder looks exactly like a stun gun on an X-ray image, and they want a closer look every time. Even when I don’t have it, there’s always some reason for “additional screening”. Of course, there was the time I inadvertently brought a fully loaded 9mm magazine full of hollow point rounds through security, but this is neither here nor there.
“I eat an overpriced bacon, egg and cheese croissant that appears to have been run over by one of the luggage carts that circle the runways in inexplicable patterns - like one of those dotted lines from a Family Circus comic strip. (Is little Billy somehow the person driving all of those things? Jesus, that would explain a lot about the fate of my luggage over time…)”